The days I dread.


Oh. Where might I begin?

This. This is why  lie under my bed, and cry myself to sleep. Because people simply make other people angry. I was going to do a post about the trends of 2012 but I am simply to angry. How can people be simply so bitter? I remember this summer when I was just angry at everyone. That built up anger of feeling like no one cared and no one was there for me just made me fill up my diaries, and paint my bed blue (not to mention write all over it after), and simply want everything out of my life. I could try to explain to you what lonely means to me- but I’ll never really know either.

I miss the days when I didn’t understand where hurt came from…well- exactly the reasoning for it. I used to just ride my bike up and down my driveway for hours and didn’t ever consider that someone might try to shoot me, to bring harm to me. Today had me on my knees, and it also had me listening to a whole lot of City And Colour.  His lyrics bring me to tears. I don’t ride my bike like I used to. I barely ride past my front door, because I’m scared. I’m scared and I’m angry.      Nothing makes sense when you’re three, thirteen, or thirty three. It’s just this big blur- that just keeps going round and round. Now matter how tired of the constant overwhelming since a fear and doubt. It’s always there.

I lived a few places myself. Two of them being some of the biggest stereo types in the country. Tennessee and Portland, Oregon.

Tennessee is like what they say sometimes. Girls are mean. Tea is sweet. But not everyone runs around in cow boy boots listening to Luke Bryan. Some of us, simply could care less.

Oregon is gorgeous. I only got to spend four years there, but they were some of the best four years of my life. The grass was so green, and no one ran around with ‘Gay Pride‘ shirts. It just went unsaid, and that was fine with me. I had a neighbor down the street that was always stoned and would yell “Kayla! Kayla come back!” all hours of the day. I never minded that. Life was simple.

I hate to always pull her into everything but as Nicki Minaj says: “They’ll never thank me for opening doors
But they ain’t even thank Jesus when he died on the cross/Cause your spirit is ungrateful…I feel free
I feel freedom/ Why they mad?/You should see them”
I don’t know- but that just makes pure sense to me.

The fact that 18 children died. Children. Innocent children. They will never get to grow up. I was at a elementary school last night for my little brother’s basketball practice and saw this sign that said “Grow up, not down“. They will not get the chance to get graduate, or get married. Let alone celebrate Christmas this year. Just explain to me why that happens and everyone just stands around and stares and says “that’s so sad”? 18 personalities, dreams, futures, family? 18 creations, that were just taken. Because someone felt like taking them. Where those lives his to decide what should happen to them? No, never. I sit here crying over my computer screen just wanting to be young again.I just want a bit of justice. Because I  have a little sister. Because she’s only five, and I love her with all of my life. I would lay down my life for her. She makes my day- Everyday. She’s sitting in the living room watching Batman. She doesn’t quite understand what happened today.  I have a little brother. He’s eleven, and sometimes he gets on my nerves, but I couldn’t imagine life without him.

I was born just ten days after the Columbine shooting in 1999. I didn’t understand what happened. I couldn’t comprehend what happened. But somehow I sit here today and feel like that entire thing was my fault. I wasn’t even alive. But I feel so guilty. Like somehow my future to come had something to do with it. I’ve been told the shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary school was worse the Columbine. The worst in the history of the country. This isn’t Obama’s fault- so don;t go blaming on this on a man who had nothing to do with it. This is gun control- and this is everything worth fighting for.

I feel angry, guilty, sad, hurt, confused, confined, and useless.

I wish I lived a world with respect. Just a bit of respect.


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